year anniversary of Grandma’s death - not doing well at all on that subject and got a tattoo to honor her:
and I am going to Hungary in less than a month to spread her ashes and heal a lot of my mind from the trauma of 2023
I’m starting to suspect I may have MS due to the amount of meds I’m on for muscle spasms and falling down a lot and getting injured more and more in basic activities
I don’t feel myself at all but I’ve pushed through
I miss my Grandma
oh and my mom is living with a p3d0 and spreading rumors that my grandma killed my grandpa and my brothers are fighting so bad we had to get a lawyer involved
you really gotta laugh at my life :) I cannot wait to return to Hungary and dance in my old apartment like the old times but without the preoccupation on home
it’s my turn to blossom after prioritizing others for all my life!
I’m a pretty one, still.
i’m proud that i made it past a year after grandma died
i saw some comments on tiktok where people were talking bout how they found tumblr too hard to use and part of it being that there was no lack of dates so “what if you reblog or like something from five years ago?!”
buddy… we have posts circulating still from 2011, its literally just how it is
I miss Ricardo every day. I do. I think about all the memories we made, the conversations, the crying, the hugs, the laughter, the dancing, the drunken falling down laughing at pranks, the passionate love fest completely engrossed in each other and unwilling to leave the room and feeling like whole days were not enough
every single time we were in the same room, we would be entangled in passion
he used to dance his fingers around me
my heart and eyes hurt thinking about how I do miss being around him
he was the first after my only relationship at the time ended and our connection was so powerful
he let down his party boy/frat attitude with me and let me into his life growing up in Chile and his leftist views and the vulnerability few people ever touch
and we could relate to poverty, being extremely close with our grandmothers, and having family shame our mental illness struggles
i remember when he told me that he felt a sense of peace and belonging whenever I stayed with him - it was still the same in 2021
I can never explain it - i feel peace with him although I know it will never work and he’d break my heart if I ever took a chance
we talked about it two years ago, what if I moved, how would it work, would i be willing to leave the US forever (duh, yeah), and we came around to it wouldn’t work since he’s never had a long relationship
but man, we both were trying to find a pathway
if he had told me that night when i confessed how i felt in 2019 that he felt the same level, i would’ve never gone home
i wrote him this beautiful letter because my car accident made me feel my life was going to end shortly and i didn’t want to die without regrets and i read it to him in person after debating whether or not i’d leave it for him after i left
he was so speechless and upset that i never vocalized how I felt in the first place, upset that I thought my disabilities disqualified me, and how I was so convinced he’d never care
i wrote that I wished him the love i’ve found after but at the same time, i wanted to be that
we talked about my exes and how lonnie abused me and he started crying when i detailed it and showed photos of the bruises
he held me and cried with me because he remembered how I was tortured
i felt so safe with him
i remember when i discussed everything, it began the whole ‘i missed you’ narrative we had and to hear someone say they really did miss me as they hugged me tightly made me feel loved
he said he didn’t feel the same level of feeling but at the same time admitted that I was the only normal part of his life because covid stole a normal college experience for him
he told me how he told his grandma all about me and how everyone in his life knows who i am
he kept talking about finding love where it was mutual because he couldn’t reach where my feelings were, but then flipped around and begged me to spend every last minute of my trip with him
and i said no
that was the hardest no i ever said and i’m glad i said no but what kills me is that we both said 'je t'aime toujours’ as we parted, which he surprised me with because i wrote that in my letter but never expected to hear him say it
we were so obsessed with each other when i lived in france, he held me when i told him about being assaulted and having to take plan b - our friends took us to frozen 2 not knowing that i left grenoble after i was assaulted bc i was scared
they picked me up on the metro because i couldn’t drag my suitcases while i bled hard from plan b/ella
i won’t forget how i was trying to dissociate by hypersexuality and he stopped me when i explained why i was bleeding and held me when I cried and told me I didn’t deserve what happened to me and then he made love to me to help me escape my mind and then held me when i slept
there was another time where we were itching to leave together from our friend’s apt so I kept flirting back and forth and bought us beer and we were outside in the november cold waiting for a bus
he told me about how he caught buses in chile and then he put his earbuds in his phone and gave me an earbud so we could sing last christmsa by george michael loudly on the night bus to his apt in paris
we were so off key but we did NOT care, we were in love in that moment
i know for a fact that he felt safe and loved with me because we made each other feel accepted for our faults and strengths, we had unbelievable sex, and we loved to do the same things in life
when he heard my grandma died, he immediately called me and i had to become numb because i was two minutes away from saying please let me fly back and leaving my current life behind
i could tell he was hurt when he thought i was getting married and then the wedding was called off and things got really bad and i texted to please tell me the word so i’d be able to leave for paris finally but he never did
i should’ve called him bc he would’ve said come on, he told me when he called after grandma died that it was stupid that my current partner didn’t want to live in europe even if it meant saving my own life and preventing cancer - he is very right about this and I should’ve listened to myself justifying why my current partner can’t put his own thoughts to the side and prioritize my health and being alive
in that moment, i realized that ricardo loves me but can never admit it and i still adore him as my true match that i cannot ever have
i really hope life teaches me who i belong with because i’m confused at how a situationship/friendship/lovers thing could care more about my health and disabilities
when i hurt my MCL, ricardo wouldn’t let me go dancing because he was so afraid I’d get hurt
when we were traveling on the metro, we saw the cutest baby and he was holding my hand when he said i would love to be a dad, i would be great, and then how i’d be a great mom and i had to break it to him that i’m infertile and he did not skip a beat with hope that i would eventually because he thinks i’d be an excellent mother to any child and i swear to god i wanted to cry hard
the way we discussed that was almost like trying to figure out each other’s view on family and we were compatible on every level
when i stayed overnight, we talked almost all night and we didn’t want to fall asleep because we’d lose time together
when he left for his classes, he kissed me on the forehead when i was asleep
i swear to god I melted when he did that
it does kill me that i met someone who is extroverted, loves friends, loves to dance, loves parties, loves to be funny, and perseveres through life with intellect and grit but we both cannot admit that we’d work out because we’re afraid we’d fight to the point where we’d never talk again
honestly, i never took the leap because i was afraid that he’d cheat (he prob would) and I’d wreck everything between us with self destruction and being toxic right back and cheat to make him angry
but i will always hope that one day, i will feel the peace we shared together as my playlists blared
i will feel safe and like i’m no longer searching for someone i am missing
i hope he will see that too - he’s younger by a couple years so maybe he will
but if not - at least I told him how I felt and didn’t keep it a secret until my old age
i took that chance and got it out of my system
i wish he did the same but he won’t
i need him to send me a sign either way so i can figure out my future
my heart hurts as much as it did when i left him every weekend
i didn’t care how much money i spent to reunite with him when i lived in france because it was worth every fucking dime
he taught me how i was loved for myself and matched my love for people around me
i took him out for steak when i visited again after the pandemic restrictions lifted
i gave him everything at that restaurant because it made him happy and that made me happy
our mutual best friend always said we could never be in the same proximity without us being undressed or intimate and it’s the truth - i never have been that way with anyone else in my life but i swan dive for him the moment we are alone
and by swan dive, i mean he starts it every single time
the way he hugged me when i disclosed my childhood abuse in 2019 was honestly the best healing hug i’ve ever had
he wanted to hug away my ptsd and would brush my hair
he’d tell me to stop crying when i thought about being apart from him because life continues
life does continue, but i think about our relationship every single day and how much i care for his safety and well-being and happiness above my own after all this time
i think that’s real love, i don’t care if he sleeps with a thousand more girls around the world, i will always show him that just because i’m an ocean away doesn’t mean I disappeared or lost my care for him as a person - he really appreciated that i taught him this when the pandemic hit
i am asking the universe, after everything horrible that happened this year, please send a sign to him to message me once in a while, it’d make me smile to laugh with him just a little
we were each other’s person and wholeheartedly defensive of each other - i know if he was here, he would’ve personally beat up lonnie and taken me out of that house immediately
that touches my heart - nobody else would do that
maybe i just have low standards but i’d go as far as having an open fucking marriage with him if it meant i’d help him survive
i’d do it for him to get citizenship too
please universe, i miss the passion and love and longing and laughter
i miss all of our time together and how the world froze when we were together
i forgot every bad thing in my life when we were talking all night
and i wish i had never said goodbye
and i wish je t'aime toujours was real right now
please - please god i’m asking for a sign because i’m not loved or cared about like that right now
ricardo was more concerned for me than my current partner when it comes to my grief because he listened when i said multiple times before that if she died, i’d lose myself and never be the same - and i was cold to him because i thought i should be and i shouldn’t have and i should’ve told the truth
please let me find this level of peace and contentment with somebody soon - i wasn’t called selfish for grieving grandma with him
my grandma always liked him and i wish she hadn’t told me my current relationship was maybe doomed because i would get bored of this life (she was right)
i miss the parties and dancing and making out and having sex against the wall and on balconies and locking people out of their own rooms while we got sloppy and sexy
i long for this because it is the most intense thing i’ve ever had in my life
thank god i have this, even if i resolve my current thing (don’t even know anymore)
it was so refreshing to be with someone with a friend group like me and someone who thrives with friends around
it was so nice to be immersed together instead of isolated
lord i’ll probably regret this but gotta write it somewhere
i would’ve probably remained friends with my first ex if they didn’t fuck up so badly and traumatize for no fuckin reason other than selfishness
i do miss the intellectual convos about politics and mutual ‘fuck em, that’s why’ attitude we both had toward the world
we did have some really funny inside jokes and memories in between the drama
and now, when I feel the most alone in the world without my grandma, it’s really hard to cope with how collapsed i feel
they did promise her to look out for me too and they got to spend the most time out of anyone i dated knowing her, which sucks a lot since they didn’t appreciate that
if they never cheated on me, i would’ve mended things but everything broke down fast
i won’t forget their parents crying when i moved my stuff out after europe saying that they’d miss me
it does really suck because i was immersed in their world for nearly 6 years and when grandma died i heard nothing just about
grandma did a lot to befriend them too - it just sucks
sometimes i miss the really bad jokes and the intellectual sparring and political convos, we really enjoyed that part
i do hope that they’re happy though bc i know that things must’ve been rough for the past couple of years
sometimes i miss those times before all the drama and neglect when we were two hypersexual people wrapped up in emotion
and there’s still some things i know they’d understand in my life that others can’t, like my mother as a whole concept
i’m very glad we’re not together but sometimes i think about the alternative universes and how we would’ve been together ten years next year
i was their biggest supporter and always, always encouraged them to pursue their own truth
right now, i wish i could just chat them up and be like i’m suffering with grandma being dead so i could talk about it without having to explain grandma bc they already know how she was
